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The assumption is that because I am good looking, I must be for sale.

7 Struggles of Gay Dating When You’re Super Attractive

Whenever I see someone use it during a chat, I block them right away. My pet peeve is when I am dating a guy and we get to the point of intimacy, he expects to find a monster in my pants.

The final part about being an attractive gay man is the feeling that I always need to apologize for my looks on dates. On Lopez's 25th birthday, he was out at a club and a potential suitor approached him. The man put his hand on Lopez's stomach and said, "If you lost this, you'd be sexy. It was this epiphany moment, and it was like, 'You know what, I am sexy. In fact, Lopez said, it wasn't until he was 30 that he attended an event in the bear community — a community of gay men who are usually larger, taller and hairier than one might find in the mainstream gay community.

Lopez said his whole world changed then, but that it's still not without its pressures. Are you a big boy with muscle? Are you a total chub? The bear community, Lopez explained, like all subcommunities, is not immune to negativity.

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While it has been a refuge for almost every person I interviewed, it's also come with its own weird set of expectations about who you can date, whatever size you have to be. Many respondents told Mic that the bear community was a surprising, welcoming refuge from spaces that might have been less friendly to their weight. But, many also said that there are very few sexual or romantic depictions of big men.

Who are the visibly gay, overweight men out there? Though each talented in their own right, none were ever explicitly sexual or sexualized.

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Diaz said that this lack of visibility of husky gay men has had an immediate mental impact on him, a person whose weight has fluctuated throughout the years. While the date went well enough in person, when he went back home, the man messaged him with a simple offer: If you need a fitness instructor, let me know.

Diaz is currently in a relationship where he says his partner loves him at his current size.

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But during his single years, the bars were often unwelcoming to people of his size, he said. Diaz also said he's found refuge in the bear scene. But when he does enter mainstream spaces, he often has to arm himself with his own personal mantra. His secret? He learned about his body as a straight man: He dated women until he was There was a pervading culture of slim body worship that turned him off. Now, it's not the elephant in the room anymore. So I really felt like I was being made love to for who I was entirely and for more than just my sexual organs.

To really make love to someone is to enjoy every single inch of them. Raul Quintero spoke to me about what happens when the search for that feeling of being appreciated for your size can go to extremes. Quintero spent a few months in gainer and feeder culture, where men worship men with big bellies, and some go to extremes to gain weight. Quintero has seen videos of men eating lard and funneling gallons of milk into their partners' guts — because of a sexual attraction to bellies.