How to connect with a parent when your gay
Join Login. October 22, For a decade now, Christian parents have been asking my wife and me for help in parenting their gay kids. But the evangelical church has until very recently said very little about homosexuality, except that it is a sin and that those who practice it are worthy of condemnation. As a result, most gay young people in the church stayed silent about their sexuality until they could no longer ignore it. Upon coming out, the majority left the church, and often their faith as well. He didn't want to live a lie and deny them both true happiness.
Chet's daughter had more questions: The extended family, on the other hand, hurt. Chet grew up in the church — but his brother, the pastor, had him removed from the rolls. Chet wanted his kids to have a relationship with their grandparents and uncle, so for a while he would let them spend the holidays with them.
This was the same son who glossed over his dad's coming-out with a dinner request. But the sway of indoctrination threatened to crush that acceptance.
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So regrettably, Chet put the kibosh on keeping a relationship between his kids and their extended family. He hasn't spoken to his father in about nine years — but Chet knows it's a necessary distance if it keeps his kids from damaging influence.
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Now that they're teenagers, though, it's doubtful it would matter. Chet's son is a member of his high school's GSA. And his once self-conscious daughter is now "a raging feminist," chuckles Chet. Plenty of children — including those in many of the aforementioned families — will barely break stride while processing a parent's sexuality. But it's true that some will hit a hiccup. And if that happens, time might be the most important thing you have on your side.
Take the story of Brent, a gay dad from Tennessee. He was married for 20 years — growing up in a Southern Baptist family had repressed his ability to recognize his sexuality. In fact, he once rejected his own brother for being gay: Brent forbade him from visiting his kids, and when Christmas cards arrived "from uncle and uncle," Brent would be quick to clarify. Of course, all that resentment was symptomatic of his repression.
Brent eventually came to understand his true sexuality slowly and in stages, at first through the safe and unintimidating world of cyberspace. Beyond restrictive confines of religion was a limitless space where he could connect with other gay men through message boards and online virtual worlds like Second Life.
He came out to his wife and they tried to work things through via counseling, but divorce wound up inevitable.
And so did the need to tell Brent's son, 18, and daughter, It happened in the office of a family counselor, at the counselor's suggestion. In case it was upsetting, the kids "wouldn't attach the memories" to their home — and in this case, that may have been a smart move. His son took it particularly hard. My daughter did the same thing, though her swings weren't as violent as my son's.
To get through it, Brent used the two oldest tricks in the parenting book: And that's paid off with progress. Today his son is a workingman and their relationship is "a million miles better. His daughter has come to terms, if perhaps not quite as far along. She's still religious, studying at a Baptist seminary, and maintains some reticence. Maybe she's not sure yet — but there's reason to believe that time could change that. Ok fellow gay dads: Recently, in a post titled "I met my girlfriend's parents — and realized I once slept with her father," a man wrote into the advice column at the Guardian with the following predicament:.
This changed when I fell in love with my new partner, who is everything to me. I recently met her parents and halfway through lunch realised that I had slept with her father. I was going to propose, but when my partner and her mother were away, he told me to end it with his daughter. I'm obviously in love — shall I just ignore him, or tell my partner? To tell the truth would be to court disaster: Hiding the truth would lead to toxic secret-keeping that could be equally destructive in the long run.
If this whole family was as open-minded and sexually open as you, it might be possible for you to become part of it.
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However, the father — your former lover — has made it clear that you will not be welcome. Walk away now, and avoid the massive pain that would otherwise be inflicted on your partner, her family and yourself. Another said, "Walking away without explaining why would be callous and also allow the father to escape the possible consequences of his actions.
My family disowned me because I'm gay
It's worth noting that none of these commenters, nor the columnist, are or will ever be gay dads, whose perspective on this bizarre situation may be uniquely valuable. Many gay dads have become fathers while still in the closet.
And even those who became dads after coming out can still sympathize with the detrimental impacts of the closet on our lives and those of our families. Julien cried when his father first came out, a moment he's always regretted. But he's found multiple opportunities to show his support since. In an article for Vice Netherlands, Julien Goyet speaks about the experience of learning about his father's sexuality by accident, when his younger brother heard him repeatedly saying the word "gay" on the phone.
When his dad confirmed it was true, Julian says he burst into tears. Though he was just a young boy at the time, it's a moment he's nonetheless always regretted. Maybe it was because I realised then and there that it would mean my parents were never getting back together. Julien continues by saying he's thankful for the multiple opportunities he's had since to make up for that moment. It was a Saturday afternoon and he'd called me up to his office in the attic. I went upstairs and found my father behind his computer. On the screen appeared a picture of a handsome man, sitting in a cafe.
It was weird to see the man my father had fallen in love with — he was handsome and cool, and, thankfully, I didn't feel the urge to cry this time. My father, now more comfortable in his sexuality, asked if I wanted to meet his partner.
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With his mother remarried to another man and his father happily partnered, Julien concludes by saying, "now, I have two stepdads. We all celebrate Christmas together.
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Now and again my father and I have dinner at a restaurant in Amsterdam where burgers are named after drag queens, and he sometimes sends me selfies when he's partying at the Pride parade. I once tagged along with him to his favourite gay bar, where I met all the friends he's made there over the years. It's a place he comes often, and I had no idea it existed all that time. I'm happy that's changed. Read the full moving essay here. Above all, I wondered what it would be like to see my father kissing another man. That's happened a couple of times now and it actually feels just the same as when you see your own parents kiss in public — incredibly awkward but also kind of sweet.
I'm happy he feels free to do so in his own home now. It's like he's been liberated. Now I wish he had done all this a lot sooner. But he told us he didn't want to confuse us, and he would have gone about it the same way if he had had a new girlfriend. Now, I have two stepdads. Jeff Rohrer, a father of two teenage boys via a previous relationship with a woman, is the first NFL player to marry another man.
Retired NFL linebacker Jeff Rohrer, who played for the Dallas Cowboys from to , recently came out as gay and married his longterm boyfriend last month. In an interview with the New York Times , Rohrer discussed his sexuality publicly for the first time.
A Christian Perspective on Parenting a Gay Child
Rohrer said. Rohrer was previously married to a woman, with whom he had two teenager children, year-old Isabella Rohrer and year-old Dondillon Rohrer. His son is currently following in his dad's footsteps by playing on his high school football team. Mostly, though, he says the reaction to his coming out as been positive. In an interview with CNN , he said, "I have two teenage kids, everybody is extremely supportive. Rohrer met his now husband, Joshua Ross, back in while he was still in the closet.
In his interview with the Times, Ross said that several friends had questioned him on how he felt taking on the "extra baggage" of being a stepfather to Rohrer's two children. Along with the challenges, however, there are a number of resources available to help them along their journey. Corrin volunteered to be their surrogate and was impregnated through in vitro fertilization IVF. A female friend of the couple had donated her eggs, which were fertilized with their sperm.