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Hives burst out on my chest. I was 16 years old and so repulsed with what I had done that I vomited. It was the first time I had felt too tired to plead for God's amnesty.
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I curled up on my bed and tried to think about nothingness for awhile. I didn't sleep. I cried. Getting straight felt like fighting a ring of fire with a squirt gun. I knew something had to give. There was one sure way out. I thought about it sometimes, usually during long drives at night.
On the way home, I drove my white sedan down a backstreet that T'ed off at a wall. All I'd have to do is coast, I thought. It'd be so quick, easy, painless. Just not braking.
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At the right speed, someone might even think it was an accident. That I was punching keys on my bulky Nokia. That one of my flip-flops, the ones Southern Californian kids wore even in Winter, had got lodged on the pedal. They wouldn't know I had selected Kid A as my exit score. The only thing that stopped me was the certainty of Hell. He pled with me to fly to his home in Texas so that we could spend a weekend together.
He said I could tell my parents I was visiting a friend, or whatever it took to convince them. In-person treatment was essential for my recovery—if only he could hug me like a father, he could take the pain away.
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I didn't go. In fact I blocked his screen name and I signed out. Today I fear whether the faceless stranger behind Sean would have kidnapped or hurt me or worse. At the time, I was only afraid of speaking out loud the things I knew to be true. The revolutionary beauty of Instant Messenger was not just that you could say whatever you wanted to someone behind the safety of a screen—it was that, for the first time ever, you could unsay something, too; a simple click of the mouse and all the evidence was burned.
Many years after I erased Sean and our chat logs from my life, my struggle ended. I came out and I wanted to tell him. When I had no luck, I applied what little I knew about him to Google. Ex-gay watchdog groups alleged Johnston threw gay sex parties and knowingly exposed attendees to AIDS. After Johnston finished the nine-month program, he was hired to work at the center, one of few conversion therapy camps still in operation. I've tried e-mailing him many times without reply. I still log-in to AIM, hoping his name might pop into my decades old Friends list, and today, before AOL pulls the plug on the product that brought us together, I'll check one last time.
Because there are so many things I'd love to tell Sean if I could. How I'm not mad that he almost destroyed me.