Gay japanese dating
Last Updated on March 12, I always imagined Japan as a mystical, anime inspired fantasy land — a place so futuristic yet home to the likes of the samurai and geisha. But what it was really like being gay in Japan? I had no clue.
In my head it was as far from home as I could possibly get, all the way on the other side of the globe; exotic, beyond anything I could have imagined in the west. I can not speak for the whole country or what it is like to be gay in Japan for every person — these are just my observations. That is why I encourage you to explore and discover Japanese gay culture with fresh eyes and an open mind.
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After living in Kyoto for a year and studying Japanese at my university I have experienced both the dating scene as well as long-term relationships in Japan. My longest and most serious experience was when I dated a Japanese guy for one and a half years. He was out to his family and I was fortunate enough to have a wonderful relationship with them, which is generally pretty rare. I was invited to stay at their house on the weekends, join on family outings and even spend new years, a holiday comparable to Christmas, with his extended family.
The kindness I was shown was truly remarkable. There are really two main types of guys I met while living abroad. Those who spoke English well, had lived abroad and had international prospects. The other type had never lived outside of Japan and generally could only speak Japanese. I was able to see both sides of the spectrum because I dated in both languages. The international ones tended to be much less paranoid and at least partially out. The country as a whole has a very suppressed sexual culture so when it comes to the extra pressure of gay secrecy; most people are really paranoid of anything more than a fling.
If you are looking for anything real and substantial it is definitely possible, but it can prove to be a challenge. One of the biggest hurdles I had to overcome while dating Japanese guys was the difference in expectations between American and Japanese relationships. There are so many cultural nuances that caused a lot of conflicts for me. For example, in Japan there is an expectation to read the other persons thoughts and feelings. If you are unhappy or you want something, the other person must be able to infer your emotion.
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Japanese Culture is to put others before you, and read what the other person wants before they ask. This is essential in Japanese hospitality, a commonality similar to the picture above. This makes aspects like Japanese hospitality and service outstanding because restaurants and businesses seem to know what you want and tend to your needs before you even think to ask. This made a lot of small problems that would build up over time and go unspoken of. Eventually, they would boil over because I never realized my partners true frustrations until our problems reached a breaking point.
Another big difference I noticed was how most guys saw dating in the long-term. For nearly everyone I met, the idea of ever getting married to another man was completely foreign.
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Gay marriage itself seemed way outside of anything most had ever considered. The majority seemed to have accepted being alone in the long term and planned to hide their sexuality from their parents forever. Another aspect that was shocking was the total lack of public displays of affection. I am not huge on PDA, but holding hands, even linking arms in public, does not happen. Kissing, even for straight people, is out of the question.
It was really difficult for me because even in situations where no one was around, most guys would not want to do anything at all. I adjusted in the end, but it was a very strange concept to get used to. Recently Japanese media seems to be warming up to the idea of LGBTQ people, and being gay in Japan is slowly starting to be seen a bit more normal.
There are many examples of homosexuality in manga and anime, specifically Yaoi, Boy Love, Yuri and other gay genres that have been popular for a while, but I still consider that side of gay popular culture quite underground. She is absolutely everywhere, although I think the public sees her as more of a comedic character that a serious advocate. He is now 78 but is very active on Japanese TV often dressing as a drag queen and voicing his opinions about politics and current events. Homosexuality in the media does exist, which I think does say something about the progress society is making, but it is nothing compared to the west.
If you are going out in Japan with the same expectations as American or European nightlife, you may be in for a bit of a surprise. The gay social scene exists, but not in the same loud and proud way that I was used back in the states. I lived in Kyoto, a generally quiet and low-key city with not much in terms of clubs or gay bars at all.
If you do not speak Japanese then your options are pretty limited. Osaka and Tokyo have also passed no dancing laws for small venues, which in the Osaka gay scene is nearly everywhere. Sadly this makes things pretty dull. Explosion is the liveliest of the locations, and has about 40 people a night. On international nights there is a mixed crowd, with moderate dancing and a good amount of fun. Sadly, on regular Friday or Saturday nights things are quite awkward.
LGBTQ in Japan: Finding Community and Getting Out There
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