Gay as fuck

I am no expert on love. I love the idea of love but I have lived and loved long enough to recognize that there is a difference between the idea of love and the reality of love. You never really know if a marriage or relationship will last a lifetime. You can want that.

Many people who choose divorce are completely fine with it because they know the difference between the idea of love and the reality of love. They know there is nothing to be gained from staying in a marriage simply because the idea of love demands pretending everything is fine when such is not the case. What may seem cavalier to you is most likely a decision that has been agonized over. Few people take divorce lightly because it is a profoundly painful thing to end a commitment you nurtured and fought for and hoped would last a lifetime.

In your letter, you are very much focused on what could be rather than what is. You worry about choosing wrong but are not considering that you might choose right for a lifetime or right for a moment. When you meet someone and start dating, you have no idea where things will lead.

You have hopes, yes, and dreams, but you also have to get from one day to the next, getting to know a person, deciding to deepen the relationship and, sometimes, choosing to formalize a commitment. You have to be in the relationship in the present, from one day to the next, and some of those days will be glorious, but some of them are going to be a complete disaster. You would like a marriage to last a lifetime, but you are, perhaps, overlooking what it takes to love someone for a lifetime.

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You are overlooking the small joys and sorrows and frustrations of threading all the days that make up a lifetime of loving someone. Ask 33 people about the difference between loving someone, being in love and soul mates, and you will get 33 different answers, so I will simply tell you what these things are to me. I must also warn you, I am a passionate, foolish romantic. I believe in love and grand gestures.

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When you find the one you just know. Some people never find the one, or there are several people for whom you have such feelings or you think you have found the one and they change or you change in ways you can no longer tolerate. Love is so damn messy. There are days when I hate love as much as I love it, when I just want to walk away, give up but still, something holds me there, to the center of my gravity. Loving someone is recognizing the role they play or have played in your life and honoring that presence.

Sometimes, love feels like an obligation but it is one you are willing to fulfill. Sometimes it takes hard work but you are willing to put in that work. Love is recognizing the ways in which, for better and worse, someone has contributed to your life. Being in love is wild, breathtaking, infuriating. It is butterflies in your stomach when you think about your person, when you see them, when you hold them. You just feel it. When did you finally get your yes? You put me in a room and 99 people will say no. All it takes is one yes! We sold eight episodes and they commissioned me to write the scripts.

Was it your idea to do short episodes? No fucking way.

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That was Stage But for season two, mama wants a half hour! You wrote all of the episodes without a writers room, right? Just me, bitch. Oh my God. At what point did you decide you were going to act in it? I was hanging outside the Beverly Center with a net for anyone with a limp and a complicated relationship with their dad. It was so bare bones, honey. Had you ever acted before?

Like in fifth grade! Not only were you acting for the first time, but you had to play a version of yourself. The one thing that no one prepared me for was how playing a younger, damaged version of yourself will fuck with you psychologically. In the more emotional scenes, it all felt very blurred lines. Is this Ryan or is this me? I would feel slimed, like I had this heavy residue on me, and it was really hard to snap back to being me.

That was a really hard aspect of the job. Like, how emotionally intense it was dealing with all the boy stuff, the sex scene. Was the sex scene the toughest scene for you?

I had a very clear image of what I wanted that sex scene to look like, and my director Anna Dokoza and I were always on the same page. I am so frustrated by the lack of representation of gay sex in TV and film, like in Call Me by Your Name when they panned away to the moon. This movie has more straight sex and more fruit sex than actual gay sex.

Go fuck yourself. Like, seriously. That enraged me. I want to bring gay sex to the forefront in a very accurate, human way. We were gonna see how gay sex is done. I wanted it to feel real. In season two, ideally, I wanna show a lot more gay sex.

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It will all have to serve the story, but I wanna normalize gay sex, and I wanna show different flavors of gay sex other than Queer As Folk porny whatever. That scene was probably the hardest for me, but I will say that once we got into it, Brian [Jordan Alvarez] was so supportive that it actually ended up being one of my favorite days on set.

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I made very little money on Special. It has allowed to get me where I need to go faster. The more honest we are about that stuff, the better everyone will fucking feel. My life for three years was thinking about what intensely personal thing in my life had the opportunity to go viral. It was disgusting.

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It was so fucking gross. Never again. I was I was just desperado , honey. Were you excited to be on Netflix? But you are working for someone else on As a writer on a show, yeah, but not my show. I would never go to network. I was really nervous that Special was gonna air on an abandoned oil rig in Marina del Rey and you were gonna need a DNA sample to get access to it. And that fucks with you on such a deep level. I know it sounds corny, but I really hope this story helps people. Not to sell a story about some girl with magical bangs to ABC. How old were you when you realized you were gay?

Honestly, watching at 12 years old. Jason Priestley. I swear to God, was so formative. But that was more of a gray attraction.